just wants to play video games

i put it on a flashdrive so i could reset my laptop a bit ago and hadn't transfered anything except this year's folder over to my new computer yet

as i was transfering the rest over my headphone cord bumped the flashdrive and pulled it out, corrupting the whole thing 🙃

so I no longer have access to any old art that i didn't upload online or only got submited on now-deleted accounts, which is quite a lot :/

hope I don't actually end up needing any of those files....

and any oc concepts i had in there saved for later are gone forever too...

the fact that all this art dissapeared in an instant from one little nudge is actually more devastating than when I lost that physical sketchbook by dropping it in the river. this is literal *years* of artwork i'll never see again, i've been trying to keep most of my art stuff since like 2015/2016

I never understood the requirement for some transition things to "live as your gender" for x amount of time like??

i have been living as my gender for my entire life already, I just didn't know how to express it to others at first

is it because you want me to face direct transphobia for a while before making any decisions? are you hoping that will change my mind??

also if it's for surgery or smtn, do you know how hard it is to "live as your gender" when you are constantly outwardly viewed as your agab? I can't come out to every stranger that ever looks at me!

....

rly hoping i don't end up having to face smtn like this rule too heavily during my transition bc ugh it's already hard enough as it is

seeing whatever being discussed on twitter and how ppl seem to be acting lately im big time considering just dropping out of college tbh. i cant learn well in online environments and it seems there's a good chance in-person classes wont be safe esp by next month

but dropping out means i have to start paying back student loans (or at least my dad does bc he used most of the money on the mortgage) and idk if the store is going well enough yet to support that. i dont even know who to talk to abt setting up payments

im glad im not in a big populated state but i still live p close to the capital city of mine and i certainly cant afford to not work

I'll discuss stuff with my dad after the 4th rush and probably focus on getting a new computer and commissions/streaming to maybe make some extra money?

fuck everything rn im not even gonna wait for hrt im too dysphoric im just gonna save enough for top surgery and get it over with

just looked it up and there's 2 surgeons in my area (living near the capital is good for some things) and the one that looks better is actually closer, but better still tends to mean more expensive..

plus my dad isnt gonna want to bother helping me so id have to stay with my mom, so even if i had enough money id need to wait till she gets done moving and hopefully has a spare bed

but then my dads also not gonna like me taking off work for that long

not even to mention thats still thousands of dollars and ive rarely ever had more than a couple hundred saved up ever

fuck everything rn im not even gonna wait for hrt im too dysphoric im just gonna save enough for top surgery and get it over with

why does it have to be so hard to transition :/

plus i rly need to go to the dentist, i was gonna go in jan but i got too busy with school and now i cant go (and im at a big risk for dental issues bc of my heart condition so thats extra fun)

and money stuff always makes everything even harder

also being autistic and not knowing what i want to do with my life turns job hunting into a nightmare

in all honesty, i never thought id even make it this far and the few things i actually want out of life feel completely unobtainable to me and im starting to have suicidal ideations again but also im too stubborn to give up after making it this far so i just would rly like it if the universe could help me out a little you know?

me: i really need to calm down and just get some work done

me: something? anything?

my brain: haha anxiety machine go brrrr

my birthday is this week and i just want to cry

ive never seen anyone talk about this before, and now that im thinking abt it properly i don't get it at all. friendship has definitely been the thing my autism has had the greatest impact on in my life.

the last time I made a new friend that I kept contact with for a long time was 6 years ago and that's an online friend i still talk to at least weekly

the last time i made a friend that i didn't immediately lose contact with after we didn't have classes together anymore was /9 years ago/ and that person is still my best and probably only friend

if it were't for going to school i don't think i'd be able to have even those passing friendships with classmates, i'd be completely alone.

as i'm getting older and getting better at doing adult things, i'm drifting farther and farther from being able to have a social life at school. this semester i don't have anyone in any of my classes i would even consider an aquaintance and my previously mentioned best friend just moved to a different state with their family

as it stands rn my only proper social interaction is with my brother online, and my dad and a couple of his friends that visit occasionally (tho usually drunk so... :/)

I'm scared for my future, with no way to make close friends and i doubt i can live alone, but im also terrified of strangers

i think all this (along with my increasing dysphoria) is why i'm struggling so much with classes rn. I probably rly need to get some help but without a car or any money my options are extremely limited

im just....

feeling kinda hopeless and idk what to do

fUCCK

i just realized

im thinking abt dropping english and adding philosophy (as a block2 course) but not only will that cost me $90 a week for the 3 months of the class for transportation

that would be an additional $800-ish on top of that for the class itself bc my finaid is already rewarded and it's too late for refunds

i only have $120 left in my account rn and that has to last the rest of the semester for transportaion as it is ($30-ish a week)

so i guess that idea is a complete bust

i'll just have to find a way to not fail english?? difficult considering there's only 3 essays and i've already missed a lot of requirements for the first one ...

so uhhhhh

say goodbye to my mental health bc imma be panicking abt essays constantly

thinking of surgery

the thing im scared the most about isnt pain or money, its actually post-op care

idk if ill have someone around in a reliable enough way to take care of me while i recover, esp since i tend to take a longer-than-average time to recover than most

and like will it be soon enough that im still living with my dad? (unlikely) or will i be living completely alone?

its not like i can get a SO thatll be able to help like most ppl seem to have bc im aroace and idk if either of my 2 close friends would even be able to consider taking time off to help me bc that's a lot to ask

i hate being vulnerable and not in control and these situations that force me to rely completely on others scare me so much bc like? so many times in my life those ppl have let me down and in serious situations like surgery that can literally cause permanent physical damage

obvs hoping for the best outcomes when the time evetually comes around, but i cant help worrying about major issues that might crop up u know?

me: i should excersize more

autism + depression: no energy

dysphoria + autism: bra sweat bad

depression + dysphoria: it wont do any good anyways

me: ..... ah

me: guess I'll just never excersize then

redbubble suspended my account without warning

probably bc i reuploaded my art on a new account? but i deleted the old account a while ago so i didn't think it would be a big deal??

i go to the help page for mistakenly suspended accounts and it says to fill out the form below but then there's no form except the password recovery link in the next section about facebook-connected accounts hhh

i don't know what to do and i'm kinda upset bc yeah that's my original art i didnt steal my own art

but like also idk how i would prove it if they asked?? i made those in 2018 and had to completely wipe my computer since so i don't have any of the originals with the layers

wanted to write or make a little comic about my autistic masking today

but my weather migraine had a different plan and ive been feeling motion sick since the pain meds kicked in :/

i don't like the idemsexual/romantic flag bc it literally just looks like an upsidedown nonbinary flag and also it bothers me that i haven't seen anyone else bring this up before

stop acting like youre so much better than everyone else because you watch anime subbed ffs

people arent lazy just because they find that having to read constantly disconnects or lessens their viewing experiences

as for me i literally CANT watch subbed because im dyslexic and cant read fast enough and have to focus so hard on the words that i would have absolutely no idea whats even happening

subs arent "better" they're just less accessible to people like me

my dad keeps going on about how i should be more independant and get a job but then refuses to help fix my bike like

????

tbh i could fix it myself easy

the problem is i dont have any money or a way to go to the store without him

my dad keeps going on about how i should be more independant and get a job but then refuses to help fix my bike like

????

i was planning on getting a job over winter break to save some money to get myself christmas christmas presents for once (I've gotten basically nothing but a t shirt the last several years)

but the only places close enough to walk to is stuff like goodwill,family dollar,tuesday morning, and 7-11

so not exactly good options bc i dont want a repeat of what happened when i worked at dollar general (i realize the environment might be diff bc this is a bigger town but??)

and now my dad's officially asked me to help out at his store for the holidays, which is what i'd prefer since im most likely going to own this place in the future anyways

the problem is

he probably wont be paying me at all for it

and that's not really a promising way to save up for the 3 switch games i want

so im at a bit of a loss

do i walk a block and back in the freezing cold every day to work a temporary job for a month that i will definitely hate

or do i stay here and not have to freeze my butt off to learn the family business that will help me in the future for no definite paycheck

read that book (should take 2 or 3 days to finish maybe?)

watch yt on my phone

find something on notcable tv

goof off in botw some more

draw stuff (but what??)

homework ofc

clean/organize my room

replay tp if all else fails

??????

hi i didnt do any of my homework this weekend and i was already behind bc of moving

ig moving took a lot out of me and im a little overwhelmed from being in a new place but not having anything at school change with it

just a little depression spell probably but my motivation is crazy low so im :(