so i just uhhh...
lost all my old art...
as i was transfering the rest over my headphone cord bumped the flashdrive and pulled it out, corrupting the whole thing 🙃
so I no longer have access to any old art that i didn't upload online or only got submited on now-deleted accounts, which is quite a lot :/
hope I don't actually end up needing any of those files....
and any oc concepts i had in there saved for later are gone forever too...
the fact that all this art dissapeared in an instant from one little nudge is actually more devastating than when I lost that physical sketchbook by dropping it in the river. this is literal *years* of artwork i'll never see again, i've been trying to keep most of my art stuff since like 2015/2016
ok so random thought
tw: transphobia and use of a generalized "you"
i have been living as my gender for my entire life already, I just didn't know how to express it to others at first
is it because you want me to face direct transphobia for a while before making any decisions? are you hoping that will change my mind??
also if it's for surgery or smtn, do you know how hard it is to "live as your gender" when you are constantly outwardly viewed as your agab? I can't come out to every stranger that ever looks at me!
....
rly hoping i don't end up having to face smtn like this rule too heavily during my transition bc ugh it's already hard enough as it is
seeing whatever being discussed on twitter and how ppl seem to be acting lately im big time considering just dropping out of college tbh. i cant learn well in online environments and it seems there's a good chance in-person classes wont be safe esp by next month
but dropping out means i have to start paying back student loans (or at least my dad does bc he used most of the money on the mortgage) and idk if the store is going well enough yet to support that. i dont even know who to talk to abt setting up payments
im glad im not in a big populated state but i still live p close to the capital city of mine and i certainly cant afford to not work
I'll discuss stuff with my dad after the 4th rush and probably focus on getting a new computer and commissions/streaming to maybe make some extra money?
fuck everything rn im not even gonna wait for hrt im too dysphoric im just gonna save enough for top surgery and get it over with
just looked it up and there's 2 surgeons in my area (living near the capital is good for some things) and the one that looks better is actually closer, but better still tends to mean more expensive..
plus my dad isnt gonna want to bother helping me so id have to stay with my mom, so even if i had enough money id need to wait till she gets done moving and hopefully has a spare bed
but then my dads also not gonna like me taking off work for that long
not even to mention thats still thousands of dollars and ive rarely ever had more than a couple hundred saved up ever
fuck everything rn im not even gonna wait for hrt im too dysphoric im just gonna save enough for top surgery and get it over with
i have a very strong urge to create bc i havent made anything physical in a while
but i cant find my heckin yarn box
i checked everywhere in the house and the yarn is not to be found
so it either got stuck in the garage (which it would be eaten by mice) or left at the old house
guess i need to buy more yarn, but the nearest hobby store is 2 miles and i dont have a car and it's raining
tfw you cant sleep bc ur angry at the world for its personal injustices to you
plus i rly need to go to the dentist, i was gonna go in jan but i got too busy with school and now i cant go (and im at a big risk for dental issues bc of my heart condition so thats extra fun)
and money stuff always makes everything even harder
also being autistic and not knowing what i want to do with my life turns job hunting into a nightmare
in all honesty, i never thought id even make it this far and the few things i actually want out of life feel completely unobtainable to me and im starting to have suicidal ideations again but also im too stubborn to give up after making it this far so i just would rly like it if the universe could help me out a little you know?
me: i really need to calm down and just get some work done
me: something? anything?
my brain: haha anxiety machine go brrrr
so netflix made a new saiki k reboot/continuation thing
but the 2nd and 3rd season of the original still arent dubbed??
it feels so wrong to watch it out of order someone please finish dubbing the original so i can watch the new one
fUCCK
i just realized
im thinking abt dropping english and adding philosophy (as a block2 course) but not only will that cost me $90 a week for the 3 months of the class for transportation
that would be an additional $800-ish on top of that for the class itself bc my finaid is already rewarded and it's too late for refunds
i only have $120 left in my account rn and that has to last the rest of the semester for transportaion as it is ($30-ish a week)
so i guess that idea is a complete bust
i'll just have to find a way to not fail english?? difficult considering there's only 3 essays and i've already missed a lot of requirements for the first one ...
so uhhhhh
say goodbye to my mental health bc imma be panicking abt essays constantly
thinking of surgery
the thing im scared the most about isnt pain or money, its actually post-op care
idk if ill have someone around in a reliable enough way to take care of me while i recover, esp since i tend to take a longer-than-average time to recover than most
and like will it be soon enough that im still living with my dad? (unlikely) or will i be living completely alone?
its not like i can get a SO thatll be able to help like most ppl seem to have bc im aroace and idk if either of my 2 close friends would even be able to consider taking time off to help me bc that's a lot to ask
i hate being vulnerable and not in control and these situations that force me to rely completely on others scare me so much bc like? so many times in my life those ppl have let me down and in serious situations like surgery that can literally cause permanent physical damage
obvs hoping for the best outcomes when the time evetually comes around, but i cant help worrying about major issues that might crop up u know?
me: i should excersize more
autism + depression: no energy
dysphoria + autism: bra sweat bad
depression + dysphoria: it wont do any good anyways
me: ..... ah
me: guess I'll just never excersize then
redbubble suspended my account without warning
probably bc i reuploaded my art on a new account? but i deleted the old account a while ago so i didn't think it would be a big deal??
i go to the help page for mistakenly suspended accounts and it says to fill out the form below but then there's no form except the password recovery link in the next section about facebook-connected accounts hhh
i don't know what to do and i'm kinda upset bc yeah that's my original art i didnt steal my own art
but like also idk how i would prove it if they asked?? i made those in 2018 and had to completely wipe my computer since so i don't have any of the originals with the layers
wanted to write or make a little comic about my autistic masking today
but my weather migraine had a different plan and ive been feeling motion sick since the pain meds kicked in :/
i don't like the idemsexual/romantic flag bc it literally just looks like an upsidedown nonbinary flag and also it bothers me that i haven't seen anyone else bring this up before
random mini rant bc i saw some randos talking about it earlier
people arent lazy just because they find that having to read constantly disconnects or lessens their viewing experiences
as for me i literally CANT watch subbed because im dyslexic and cant read fast enough and have to focus so hard on the words that i would have absolutely no idea whats even happening
subs arent "better" they're just less accessible to people like me
aaaaahhhhhhhh
my pen suddenly isn't working and i'm almost done with this thing too
i get up tp get a snack and when i come back ???
it was working this morning and was fine 10 minutes ago
i changed the battery, restarted my laptop, and i even tried to disconnect and reconnect
but hhhh now it's not even showing up in my bluetooth list so i can't reconnect it
nothing is workinngggg
guess i'm drawing traditionally for a bit :i
aaaaahhhhhhhh
my pen suddenly isn't working and i'm almost done with this thing too
i get up tp get a snack and when i come back ???
it was working this morning and was fine 10 minutes ago
i changed the battery, restarted my laptop, and i even tried to disconnect and reconnect
but hhhh now it's not even showing up in my bluetooth list so i can't reconnect it
my dad keeps going on about how i should be more independant and get a job but then refuses to help fix my bike like
????
the problem is i dont have any money or a way to go to the store without him
my dad keeps going on about how i should be more independant and get a job but then refuses to help fix my bike like
????
so like
but the only places close enough to walk to is stuff like goodwill,family dollar,tuesday morning, and 7-11
so not exactly good options bc i dont want a repeat of what happened when i worked at dollar general (i realize the environment might be diff bc this is a bigger town but??)
and now my dad's officially asked me to help out at his store for the holidays, which is what i'd prefer since im most likely going to own this place in the future anyways
the problem is
he probably wont be paying me at all for it
and that's not really a promising way to save up for the 3 switch games i want
so im at a bit of a loss
do i walk a block and back in the freezing cold every day to work a temporary job for a month that i will definitely hate
or do i stay here and not have to freeze my butt off to learn the family business that will help me in the future for no definite paycheck
because of my attempt to continue my pokemon marathon,
i just found out i have a hotspot limit of 15GB..
and i only have 10% left for the rest of the month (ending on the 22nd)
... ive used like 14 gigs on pokemon in just a week...
..and now i only have enough left for a couple more episodes maybe, and theres still another week till we are even gonna attempt to get wifi in this place 😬
(plus the headphone jack in my laptop stopped working so the sound is all tinny now too)
so uhhh .. list of things i can do to keep myself entertained for a week without needing wifi on my laptop or tv
watch yt on my phone
find something on notcable tv
goof off in botw some more
draw stuff (but what??)
homework ofc
clean/organize my room
replay tp if all else fails
??????
hi i didnt do any of my homework this weekend and i was already behind bc of moving
ig moving took a lot out of me and im a little overwhelmed from being in a new place but not having anything at school change with it
just a little depression spell probably but my motivation is crazy low so im :(